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Samantha's Story
"To tell you my angels' story I must first tell you mine..."
When I was 18 years old I had a part of my cervix removed due to pre-cancer issues. The doctors told me that I would never be able to have a baby. If I did get pregnant I would never be able to carry a child to term. I conceived and carried my son, Victor. From the get go I had problems with him. He was so big I had to be on bed rest the last month. The doctor finally decided to induce labor. After 9 hours of no progress they needed to do a C-section because he was not coming. At 5:05 pm I had a 10 lbs. 11 oz. baby boy.
Within 3 hours of having him we were both in ICU. We were both having complications. I did not get to see him for 12 hours after I had him. It would be another 24 before I could hold him. He was so big but so fragile. He had IV tubes sticking out of his little head. I was afraid to touch him. I was afraid I would get too attached and he would die. After 10 days in ICU I was able to take my baby home. He could not sleep lying down. I had to walk the length of my house for hours on end while he slept. After a month of this (I did not know this was not normal) I took him to the doctors. Right away they put him back in the hospital. He had pneumonia in both lungs. While in the hospital they detected a heart murmured. They said it would go away. We went home. Within 2 weeks Victor was in congestive heart failure. We found out that he had 3 blood vessels that did not close in and around his heart. That was called a Patent Ductus. At 4 months old my sweet little boy was having open heart surgery. After one year he was pronounced healthy. YEAH.
I found I was pregnant a week before Thanksgiving. I was thrilled. Another baby. I did everything right this time. Ate all the right foods, exercised, and did not gain too much weight. I had the prefect pregnancy. Samantha Marie came into the world without fuss or difficulty. I even was able to deliver her naturally in spite of having a C-section before. She had 10 toes 10 little fingers. Blonde hair. She was so cute. After 1 day in the hospital we could go home. Everything was okay. I took her for her 10 check up things were as they should be. After 3 weeks I noticed she had a little bit of congestion. Called the doctor’s office. No need to worry they said. I was not convinced. I watched her closely. I knew something was wrong. So on a Thursday morning I decided to take her into the doctor’s office. I got up and took my shower. I woke up Samantha and as I was feeding her she stopped breathing. I screamed so loud that my in laws who lived next store came running over. I started CPR. We lived so far out in the country it would have taken years for an ambulance to come. My father in law drove me to the hospital. I continued CPR the whole way there. I was a trained nurse so I should have been able to save her. The staff at the hospital worked on her but it was too late. Since she was an infant an autopsy was mandatory in the state of Mississippi. They found out that she had a PDA like my son, but she also had CMV. What the hell was CMV??? I had never heard of it before. CMV was found in her brain, lungs, kidneys and heart. As well, there was a hole that connected all four quadrants in her heart.
ME ~ I gave this to my child. The guilt of having done this was so great. I have replayed the steps I took that day – did I do everything right in my CPR that I gave her? Were my ratios correct? Did I breathe hard enough or too hard into her? If I had taken her to the doctor the day before would that have changed anything? To this day 18 years later I still question my actions. Instead of celebrating her one month birthday we were burying her.
My son said it best ~~~ Mom God needed another angel~~~
- Shared by her mother, LucyAnn